Super Size Shelly

Yesterday Mama Laughlin shared a very personal story, one in which I was very proud of her for doing. As I read I realized how much I preach to y'all that I am 100% honest and always tell y'all the truth. What you see is what you get. However, I have a secret I have never in my life told not even one soul. First let me give you some back story to help you understand who I am and where I come from.

Growing up I was never taught healthy eating or the importance of exercise. My mother herself was severely obese. The last time I can remember being a smaller size was before 8 years old. I remember my Dad being quite heavy himself, prior to his stroke. The Biggest loser this season really got to me since I was one of these kids and my parents never did anything to help me.

I was depressed that I couldn't do things other kids did. I couldn't run as fast. I would get tired fast. I became the careful mother hen who never climbed the trees. Our family would eat out almost every day and sometimes 2-3x a day (lots of buffets and fast food). If my mother cooked it was a LOT of food and she would place HUGE portions on our plates. You were not allowed to leave the table until you finished. For some reason I was targeted as the family garbage disposal and was not allowed to leave until my younger sisters plate was clean too. As in I must eat her's and my own plate. Guess what this hoover vac did? Finish the plates. I feared getting in trouble. That has never and still doesn't bode well for me.

Our plates looked nothing like that and were piled high. My mother tried to keep up from playing outside as well. That didn't always work though because we would beg dad instead. You can tell that my mother isn't right in her head. She never has been and never will be. That is ok. I will never forget the things she did to us but I forgive her. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for the struggles I have faced.

Middle school I only had a handful of friends which were all mostly over weight. I was picked on so much that I hated to go to school. What was worse is that we had uniforms that just made us look even worse! My heaviest weight in middle school was 300+. Pretty sad, finally my older sister who was also over weight and my mom decided we were going to all do a diet. This diet consisted of lean cuisines and grape fruit juice 3x a day. I would cry and beg for food I was so hungry. I did drop some weight though.

High school came and my freshman year was spent in Texas. I became a part of the JROTC program and made a school family just like my older sister had. We busted out butts for Drill Team. I shed a lot then but I was never under 200 pounds. Finally my parents got divorced and we moved with my father to North Carolina to be close to the rest of his family. (honestly best choice ever)

I hated NC at first. Like straight up wanted to kill myself. I am ashamed to say that but I did a lot of negative thinking growing up. My mother was a  hoarding, abusive, controlling, slave driver... I tried running away, I would scratch myself until I made open wounds and bled. I was not happy. After I finally made a few friends things started going a little smoother.

When I was graduating High School I was with a man named David. I thought I loved him. I wanted to get away from home. David joined the Marines and I waited for him. He was stationed in Oahu, Hawaii and I followed. That was one of the worst times of my life. Those 3 months seemed like they were a year long.

We didn't have a vehicle and he had to take expensive ass taxis to come see me. I stayed in a room the size of a bathroom for $400/month. I was running out of money fast. I applied to literally any and everything with in a 5 mile radius I could walk to. I lived at top of a hill. David couldn't afford me and I no longer could afford anything either. Things were getting scary. I was living on of bread and water and lost 60lbs. He proceeded to break up with me and send me home saying he had to much on his plate and he couldn't handle having a gf and about to deploy for the first time. Looking back he was probably seeing someone else then too. However, I will never know. I was young, naive, and stupid. I thought I couldn't do no better. He broke my heart. All my dreams of being married and having kids were flushed down the drain.

I came crawling back home to dad where he took me back with open arms. I wasn't happy. Then after a month I get a call from David... He wants to try and work it out and still wants to marry me. I had doubts. None I never admitted to anyone. A lot of people didn't want me to marry him. I didn't want to be alone. I thought no one else would ever want me. I settled. He got home from deployment and we married. I was a fat bride. The pictures disgust me to this day. I did not look my best. He only smiled in like 4 of the 400 pictures. No one in his family showed up. There were signs all along.

 

 I moved with him to Hawaii for a 2nd time. We got on the housing waiting list. We moved around like 5x before then. I called housing so many times crying to hurry and give us a place to live. They couldn't even help us out with TLA. One point we have 2 dogs and all our stuff and were living out of a VW Golf we had brought. Finally a friend I made online who gave me a job babysitting invited us to live in there living room until housing could get us something. I will be forever grateful for them. Finally housing got us a house! Now we wanted to start baby making. Looking back I can't believe I even tried with him and the things I had to go through medically but then the lifestyle we lived.

I was severely unhappy. The baby wasn't happening. All we did was party. He was not a good husband. Instead of building me up he never supported me. He would call me fat or say things like "if this fat whale would stop flipping in the bed I could get some sleep" all the time. I thought I deserved to be treated like shit. He told me I never did anything. That he works hard and I just sit on my ass. When I tried to get a job he told me no, because he didn't have a drivers license and I had to drive him around 24/7.  At one point I got tired of being told that and literally "did nothing" The house became disgusting and boy did he have a fit. He never did stop saying I was a lazy sack of shit.

My heaviest weight was 250 pounds that I can remember when I was with David. I stopped weighing after that. I was in denial. One of my visits home my dad expressed his concern, and asked me if everything was ok. I faked that smile and said yes. When the person you dedicate yourself too is nothing but mean to you, it eventually takes its toll. In your mind and body. I had very little friends left. Felt like I couldn't even talk to my family. I didn't realize it then but just because he wasn't physical doesn't mean I wasn't being abused. I was being verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused. It is easy to hide and lasts longer than any bruise.

 

I was so depressed. I was trying to be perfect in his eyes. I felt lucky to even have someone to "love" me. I developed an eating disorder. I would get so upset that I would binge eat and throw up what I could. I did lose some weight but I was never under 200 pounds. Finally he was getting out of the military and we moved home. Went through a little bit before moving back to my dads. He drew unemployment while I searched for a job. Meantime my father was paying me to take care of him and the house. That makes me sad. My own husband couldn't provide for his family and could have cared less.  Sadly if I never made him call Lowe's back he prob would have never got that job. My dad still paid our groceries and for his smokes and alcohol! Right then I should have realized what a dead beat he was and that I didn't deserve this. 

My friend was going through the process of leaving her husband for very similar reasons. I should have headed my own damn advice! Things started to decline rapidly now. He cheated on me 3x that I know of. One time was personally in my face. However, he was great with words and mind games and made me feel like it was not cheating and that ti was my fault. We have been together 5 years, I wanted to make it work. I believed in my vows and promises. Things needed to change though.

You riddle me this... Were at a party "drinking" and no one dares you to go streaking but you do, a bitch runs after you, later on in the night you let her kiss you and you kiss back, and then you proceed to hold her all night while your WIFE sits next to her quiet. My cousin says something to the girl to quit her shit, she says something to him, he flips his handle and yells at me and blames me and screams at me embarrassing me in front of everyone. He thinks his drink was drugged... Are you kidding me. I knew everyone at the party and it was at my cousins house! That is cheating. I am not stupid. right? 

Story 2...  my cousin and a mutual friend fill me in that another friend and him have something going on and have kissed out in my own driveway. When confronted of course he lied. However, years later the woman came forward and apologized and told the truth. Good to know my intuition wasn't lying. Also good to know how he lied some more the night I had to pick him up from their fight and how twisted he made the story. She was tired of being the other woman. He didn't want to divorce he sweet deal and keep using my family.

Story 3... My spidey senses are tingling, time to get all spy detective. I snoop his computer during the time he was out with that mutual friend and find a letter to his first girlfriend who was also a mutual friend. The jist was he was still in love with her and didn't love me. I also found another letter to me tell me what a worthless piece of shit I was and how much he hated me. Both parties say the letter was never sent to her, but can you believe a convicted liar?

FINALLY I have had enough and lay down ultimatums. He makes me think he truly does love and doesn't know why hes gone crazy and that we will fix things. HAHAHA negatory. I am stupid for giving him so many chances. Finally after a ridiculous blow up one night while him and his cousin were drinking, they made a scene and he announced he wanted a divorce and left.

BEST THING HE EVER DID FOR ME. I cried, he said a bunch more mean things before he left. I felt like I failed. Like everything was all my fault. It takes 2 people not one. I was nice and paid half of all the divorce costs and let him have all his shit. He sure was lucky, my family friend lawyer wanted to take him for all he was worth for cheating. (I saved proof and emails from the lady friend and had witnesses from the party to testify) I just wanted it over so I could move on.

I was stupid and let him back into my life and let him try to work it out with me again before he knocked up some girl. When I asked him what he was going to do, he said he didn't know. I WAS DONE. If he had loved me his words would have been I want to be with you and take care of my baby. That was the last straw and when it finally clicked that he didn't truly love me and prob never had. We were finally done forever. The weight started to pour off me after we were done.

I learned a lot. I learned how to never let someone treat me like that again. I learned how never to treat myself either. I learned that I was always good enough and to never settle again. I learned to listen to my instincts. I battle with myself constantly. I realized that he killed the Michelle everyone knew and loved. I was gone. I learned who I was again and started being and creating the person I have always wanted to be. I dated but no one for any length of time, I wasn't being shallow, I just expected a lot more now and I wasn't going to settle for the character of person my heart desired.

and then I met Cory....

It didn't take very long for me to fall in love with him and realize he is the one I have waited for my whole life. He has taught me how to love myself. He taught me how to let go. How to not worry about every little thing like I use too (which I still do but not nearly as much, losing my father helped take away a lot of anxiety and worries too). He taught me to LIVE again. We each bring something the other doesn't have to the table and balance each other out. He makes me laugh 99.9% of the time. I have NEVER been happier in my entire life then I am now. I have found me! I have found someone to truly love me for who I am inside and out. Cory has been one of my biggest supporters. He always backs me up and pushes me to do better. He builds me up and keeps me strong even when I feel like breaking. He is the man I dreamed about growing up, my knight and shinning armor. We will spend the rest of our lives living and laughing and being happy together, no matter what happens I know that we will ALWAYS have each others backs. He showed me I am worth it and that not all men are the same. He lets me know I'm a keeper and amazing and beautiful more times then I can count.

Thank you for building me up baby, I love you so very much.

Well this is totes long enough you think? So there ya go now everyone knows I was mentally abused and had a eating disorder. I over came that though. I now eat healthy and get active as should you! Please get healthy the right way! I just wanted to share to help people who are where I have been! 

If you need someone to talk to feel free to shoot me a message! 

(contact info on the about me page)

DOWN 74 POUNDS AND COUNTING!!!