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Hello blogging world long time no see.... well... well... well... what can I tell ya? Things r still cray cray! Trying to get ready for all our family and the wedding in June still. That's pretty much consumed my life. I fell off the wagon made a couple lame attempts to get back on but I know its because even though all this amazing stuff is going on... deep down... I am really sad. Have you ever lost your best friend before? Have you ever lost someone you would turn to for everything and they would make it all better whether or not you even realized it. My heart aches so deeply right now, busy's all I can do to keep myself from falling to pieces. How can I be like this with so much awesome coming? Don't get me wrong! I am happier then I have ever been in my life but I miss my fucking daddy damn it! He was my life. I am so angry that I wasted my father/daughter wedding experience with the douche bag I settled for before Cory. I wish He was walking me down to Cory, calling him his son. Doing all his special things for him and him being truly grateful. Cory and Dad are so much alike in many ways and I know without a doubt dad would have loved the shit out of him. I am thankful they did meet before his passing but I'm not to sure he was all there... it was just to close to the end. I will be forever grateful to Cory for everything he did for my sisters and I that night and following year. Nothing will ever be the same again and it drives me crazy. On nights like tonight when Cory is gone, dad wont be in here in this living room laying on the floor with the tv on, dozing on n off, for me to get a drink in the fridge and him to pipe up and say "WHATS WRONG"... I'll never get that again. I'll never get to sit and listen to him talk to me and give me advice and listen to me for hours on in (even if he repeats the same shit in different ways a million times lol) I wont ever hear his wisdom again... I'm upset dad, I am upset because your not going to be here on the best damn day of my life. I'm upset bc you don't get to meet your step-grandchild. I'm upset bc I wont get to witness the hell of a time I know you would have with Cory's parents oh man would that have been a damn ball and so awesome to see. I wont ever get to hear those jokes or watch you hit on my new mom lol I miss you with every fiber of my being and its only getting worse the closer everything gets. I have been trying to not even think about it and to push it aside. None of this means anything to anyone but me anyway. The hummingbird never came back today and it just about broke my fucking heart. I just thought that maybe I could just pretend it was you for a min since that's a fond memory we share but you didn't come back. and that's the thing the hummingbird isnt you or even close to it and you will never come back like it might tmw. You would be so proud of this house and of me for losing so much weight. But i'll never get to see the face you would make when you saw either, id never get to hear the jokes that came after or the proud way you would show things off. I guess what it really boils down to is I just want my fucking daddy damn it. yes I know he is here with me in spirit and does see everything but you know as well as I do its not the same thing... not even close.

ok enough of that. Anyway I have pretty much maintained 170-173 pounds, I have been doing various odd jobs and babysitting Skyler again to help pay bills and finish the wedding. The house is STILL not refinanced. I have an interview on Thursday for an amazing fulltime Nanny position that starts in July and would be perfect so fingers crossed I get it! I really am beyond excited about everyone coming next month! literally family from both sides is coming in from all over just for our special day and get to spend time with Kille! This is the first week I will be a step-mom too a lil scary if I do say so myself. I still feel like shamu. The house remodeling is basically done-ish. I say that because I know Cory will never finish the other little stuff that needs to be done lol

I am tired of being overwhelmed and stressed out.

I am sure there is more to bitch about but I am tired (crying does that to ya) Sorry for suck a debbie downer post... over n out Ill bring you happiness tmw