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The pot boils over

I have been teetering back and forth for a couple of days to write this blog. I am normally a perpetually positive kind of person. However, I am human you know. I do have my horrible days and sometimes they last for a good bit. I realized I have been in a tad bit of a funk as of the late and I am ashamed of it. Don’t ask me why, it’s just how I feel. So I have concluded to vent to you all and seek any opinions and advice whether good or bad. I never realize how much I don’t talk about or hold back until my pot boils over and I have a nervous breakdown. How does one change that cycle? That can’t be healthy right? I feel like I talk a lot! I mean ask Cory! I do talk a lot but I guess just not everything? I have plenty of people to talk to don’t get me wrong, so why do I do this? I am going to give over all my “problems” to this blog vent and let them go, they will be off of me and out into the world and I will have the courage and strength to change what I can and let go of the things I have no control over. That is the way I WANT to live. I WANT to be a certain kind of person so why am I not doing it? OLD HABITS DIE HARD! First I want to say Thank you to all the people who support and stand by me, you all will never know how much I truly appreciate you. It seriously means the world to me. I don’t even know where to start because there is so much floating around in that noggin of mine. Let’s start by saying I feel like I am struggling, like I am drowning in the sea of life. Maybe I have too much on my plate? If I do, I really never notice how much is truly there until I lay it out like I am. I feel like I am sucking at virtually every damn thing I am doing. Is it true? Probably not but it really doesn’t stop me from feeling it ya know? I think I am doing horrible at school. Sure I may have A’s and B’s right now but does that stop me from feeling like I am not good enough to make these grades? I am not sure on my grade in English but I know I have “good” grades in the rest of my classes. I constantly say I am bad in school because I hate school and I wasn’t that great at it in the past. Am I a Negative Nancy much? Oh well it goes on, maybe I just have a fear of failing so I go ahead and sabotage myself before I do… in everything. I have fallen behind in house work, I let this place go before I tackle it, and I’m just so stressed and overwhelmed its last on my list of shit to do. I feel like I should be able to handle all of everything without a problem! Then I have 5 crazy dogs that do whatever the hell they want because I am too much of a big ole softy. I have to deal with Cory’s work life being less than desirable. He hates being in the Army now, his unit he is in here at Ft. Bragg has ruined it for him. So I have the fear of the unknown for when he gets out in a year. I am still damaged from my ex-husband and the things I had to go through with him when he got out so I fear the same will happen again.  Deep down I know that Cory is nothing like that and would never do anything remotely close. Then I am also worried about Cory’s divorce going as planned and how the custody battle will go into effect in the following year and if we can afford the ridiculous child support. ($700/month btw) but it changes with your income right? I wish we get more time with him. We only get him for a week in June and a week in August maybe. Court said it will be revised next year. We would like to get him all summer at least and maybe every other major holiday since she has him all year, that’s not unreasonable to ask is it? I love that I will have a step son, although I hate to say step since I consider him my own, but I guess I am afraid to step on anyone’s toes since he isn’t. Since we all know I have PCOS and have not had any luck conceiving I am beyond unsure if I ever will, which is sad beyond belief because that’s all I ever wanted/want. Which brings me to Cory and I will be getting married and I am beyond excited about it! Everything has been DIY and I have really enjoyed it and all of my family and friends coming together to make my big day spectacular. I love how Cory is so involved! This is going to be seriously the best day of my life and I know I will be an emotional basket case. I have never been so happy and it’s all thanks to him. That is one of my stress relievers right now is working on wedding things. We are having issues with getting the house refinanced in my name and my banker said we only have 3 options left to go so we are checking those routes. I have zero credit and Cory has good credit but not well enough. So not sure how all that will work out but I know we can’t afford the rate dad had it at. So there is that on my shoulders. As well as feeling like I will never amount to anything, I am not going to school for anything I really want to do but only because I know I need to do something, which is wasting money and time until I figure that out. Lastly, is my ever struggling battle with weight loss, my mind hasn’t caught up with my body. I either feel extremely huge (which is a damn lie) or extremely tiny (another huge lie lol) I have 25 more pounds to lose and I would like to lose it by June. As well at minimize my back rolls and arm wings… Why do I get so depressed sometimes? I know the things I need to do to achieve what I want in life so why don’t I just do them? Old habits die hard; I am just going to have to keep working at it. I am better than I have ever been but I’m not finished yet! Well I guess it’s not as much “wrong” as I thought, I guess I am just overwhelmed a bit. Well I’m done bitching and moaning and I’m done being negative. Setting it out into the world and off of my shoulders! J stay positive and if you want change you must do something different to create it!